The day my boyfriend moved his furniture out, a week after Iβd ended our six-year relationship, my Mom called as I was curled up on my temporary makeshift couch of two oversized pillows pushed together. βIβm okay,β I said. βOh, I know youβre okay,β she replied. βYouβre strong as steel.β
Steel. I love that word. Itβs a noun, of course, but itβs also a verb: to steel oneself, to mentally prepare for a difficulty thatβs coming. Life is hard. Steel is harder.
Thereβs a storm before every calm. Weβve all faced one and will face more. You will not escape it. Some of us are probably in the middle of one right now.
Flailing and complaining, worrying and unraveling β these reactions donβt help us. Theyβre natural and honest, and they deserve acknowledgment, but the next steps are release, acceptance and bracing for impact.
Success isnβt found in the breakdown. Itβs in the buildup.
We Need Resilience in Small Doses, Too
Resilience isnβt required for just the big things. Anyone who freelances, runs a business or is striving to level up in their career β or who has a newborn, is healing from an injury or is going through a divorce β knows that it takes bite-sized resilience multiple times a day. Iβd argue that itβs more difficult to stay strong in little moments than in big ones. When life-or-death isnβt the conundrum, itβs much easier to buckle under lesser pressures, especially as they build up.
Rock Bottom Doesnβt Have to Be the Springboard
When the worst has happened, either by fate or your own fault, the way up is obvious because itβs the only way. You can be resilient before you stretch that rubber band that is your life as far as itβll go, though. In so many situations, you have the ability to stop, shift and change the outcome; to improve your day now instead of waiting for tomorrow; to foresee bigger problems ahead and start making repairs now to avoid them.
Mister Rogers has a song called, βWhat Do You Do With the Mad That You Feel?β and even though itβs to help children make better decisions when theyβre angry, itβs applicable to adults, too β because letβs be honest, we can all turn into toddlers when we donβt get our way. Hereβs the best line: βItβs great to be able to stop when youβve planned a thing thatβs wrong, and be able to do something else instead.β Whether the difficulty youβre facing is within your control or outside of it, you can choose how youβll recover.
(Have you see the Mister Rogers documentary? Watch it. Be prepared to cry.)
Maybe Itβs a Good Time to Bail
When I was in high school, there were these two cousins who wanted to beat me up, tough, mean girls who wouldnβt have hesitated to punch me right in the face. They told me to meet them down in the parking lot after school. All day long, people came up to me to ask what I was going to do. I just shrugged, unflustered β βIβm not going to go down to the parking lot.β I left at 3 p.m., walked to my after-school job and nobody ever clucked another word about it.
Weβre always bouncing back from something. Sometimes you have the luxury to choose what you want to cope with. I didnβt have to learn how to be resilient after getting a black eye. Instead, I bounced back from a scary threat and school-wide speculation, which taught me an entirely different β and more worthwhile β lesson.
Get real with yourself. Whatβs required here? What do you want to deal with? What are you even capable of dealing with? Is there a better, smarter choice with positive, long-lasting impact?
Life doesnβt reward you for taking the harder, tougher route for toughnessβ sake alone. Your choices should make you a stronger person.
5 Ways to Be More Resilient
Assuming you canβt bail right now, hereβs how to become more resilient, both in the moment and in daily life β think of it as your resiliency training.
1. Ignore the finish line. Believe in your abilities.
Few things turn out the way we envision them. A lot of the time, they end up way better than we could have pictured. Or way worse.
Goals are necessary so thereβs something to strive for, but donβt fool yourself into thinking youβll know exactly how a situation is going to turn out. (I dive into this some more in my article about the illusion of control.)
Personally, the best things in my life have come from two ideas working simultaneously: (1) utter acceptance that I have no idea what the future will look like and (2) complete and total faith in my abilities. Sometimes my ability is as abstract as making good decisions and leading myself in the right direction, and sometimes itβs a lot more tangible, like being able to write well and provide good customer service to my clients.
The point here is that if youβre more confident in your capability than hung up on the outcome, youβll have an easier time bouncing back because youβll be relying on the most trustworthy person in your life: yourself.
2. Gamify it.
Right now, you canβt do the last thing β you canβt solve the entire problem β but you can do the next best thing. Sometimes thatβs super hard, like the time I hiked Giant Mountain, fell three times, hurt my knee and realized I didnβt bring my headlamp as the sun was setting (or the right boots or enough water). Or like when climber Joe Simpson shattered the Hell out of his leg at 19,000 feet β spoiler alert, he survived and then wrote Touching the Void about the experience, which I recommend you read.
Joe and I both gamified the experience. He created a pattern of movements to use for each step; I got up and down that mountain in 100-step groups. Iβm sure we both cried, but we also both lived to tell the tale.
The point isnβt necessarily to make the situation fun but to make it bearable, to keep the mind distracted and focus on one crisis at a time. If youβre not in something as threatening and unforgiving as the wilderness, you can even give yourself small treats as you reach mini-goals.
3. Manage your impulses.
If youβre generally an impulsive person in life, youβre going to be an impulsive person under stress β possibly more impulsive and with worse consequences. Staying calm and making rational decisions can help you be more resilient because you wonβt make a situation worse before it can get better.
Since most days youβre going to deal with minor problems and not major ones, get used to acting less impulsively. Donβt make decisions out of pure frustration or even pure excitement β think them through first. Write a pros and cons list if you need to. Or see what happens if you make no decision right now and give yourself plenty of time to sit on it.
4. Move through the stages of grief quickly.
There are seven stages of grief:
- Shock: Paralysis when facing the situation.
- Denial: Avoiding the inevitable.
- Anger: Bottled-up emotion and frustration pour out.
- Bargaining: Trying to find a way out of the situation (but not in a healthy or productive way).
- Depression: Realizing the inevitable isβ¦inevitable, and being upset about that.
- Testing: Looking for realistic solutions to the problem.
- Acceptance: Finding a way to move forward.
People who are resilient move from the shock stage to the testing and acceptance stages quickly. They may even skip some of the stages in between, especially if theyβve faced the same difficulty in the past. Laurence Gonzales writes about this in Deep Survival (great book, BTW): βThe best survivors spend almost no time, especially in emergencies, getting upset about what has been lost, or feeling distressed about things going badly.β
Forcing your way through the stages of grief takes a lot of willpower, especially because the middle stages are so tempting to sink into. Getting it all out can help, whether thatβs out loud to someone you know or down on paper. If you need to, write out the different stages and how youβve experienced them. Then start listing those solutions.
You can definitely practice this in everyday life. When something small-but-totally-annoying happens, force yourself to skip over the βIβm so upset about thisβ stages. Go right to solving the problem. The next time you spill an entire carton of orange juice on your kitchen floor, start cleaning it up without hesitating. If you forgot to buy something at the store, put your sneakers on and head back out before you can beat yourself up over it. If you get a splinter, gather the rubbing alcohol and the tweezers and get that sucker out. Just get it done.
5. Learn from others.
βOthers have been through it tooβ isnβt comforting for everyone, but itβs always been comforting for me, especially when I can tie my experience to that of a specific person, not just the general public. Weβre all unique butterflies, but honestly, one personβs heartbreak or firing from work or fight with a family member is a billion other peopleβs, too. Knowing that others came before, labored through and walked out the other end healed, employed or on speaking terms is supremely hopeful. Pardon my penchant for sappy stories, but this quote from P.S. I Love You pinballs in my head whenever I feel alone in disappointment or sadness: βThing to remember is if weβre all alone, then weβre all together in that too.β
In practice, this can mean telling people about what youβre going through β youβll hear similar stories in return. Iβm not a βspill your heart outβ person usually, so my solution has always been to pick up a book or read a magazine article about how Joe Famous Person faced something horrible and got through it. And if you really need a jolt of βeveryoneβs been here,β listen to Nate Berkusβ interview called βSurviving the Stormβ on the SuperSoul Conversations podcast.
On the same note, this is a perfect time to give back. Helping others can give you a fix of βmy life isnβt so bad,β or just shake you out of whatever slump youβre in. If you get a confidence boost from being selfless, I give you permission to enjoy that β itβs not selfish to feel good about yourself.
Wrapping Up
If youβre not a person who can handle daily life and all its teeny struggles, youβre going to have a difficult time moving through those stages of grief in order to help yourself when the you-know-what really hits the fan. Your habits and the way you handle your emotions on a normal day are the training and preparation you need to be truly resilient when you need it most. Get used to helping yourself in small ways so that itβll be second nature when serious drama or trauma blows through.
Excited about being less impulsive and more cool, calm and collected? Check out this article about how responding instead of reacting can improve your business relationships.
So this is just another no feature update Thursday π
I completely believe this! Thank you for writing such a great summary
Thank you so much, Julia!
I completely believe this! Thank you for writing such a great summary
Thanks for sharing Lindsay and.. good luck!
Thank you, Maria! You too π
Lindsay, that was excellent! Thank you very much!
Thank you so much, Wendy!
Reading your article has boosted up my self-confidence.Thanks for sharing
That’s so great to hear, Marcus π
Good post. I do believe gamification helps. Currently I am focusing on Cycling daily 12 KM. And gamifying helps.
That’s awesome! Good luck with your goals!